Saturday, November 25, 2006

Marching Towards Freedom

It’s ridiculous really, the Penguins are simply an incoming group of migrants, not a terrorist group. With our blockades are turning Penguinia into a third-world country, the least we can do is allow the same right of free migration of qualified persons that we allow to persons of other descents. Frankly, the outright racism shown to penguinned individuals is embarrassing to us as a society. We’ve been through slavery for the Africans and labour camps for the Asian – is it really necessary that we persecute every new group upon arrival in our great country? Cannot we as a society, accept new migrants, without unnecessarily fearing them. Our fear turns us into the monsters that we portray them to be.

Penguins are really not that dissimilar to us, after all. Here we can see a penguinned male enjoying a warm drink during a break on a long work day.

James El Von DerBlork is a proud third-generation penguin. In our exclusive interview, he pleaded with Canadian government officials not to let the fear-mongering of dissident groups allow their judgment to be clouded. The reason he and his family yearn to move to Canada is not to harbour wild conspirical endeavors, but simply to live in peace in our beautiful country, and take advantage of the employment opportunities. As a skilled, hard-working construction and demolition expert, he feels he would be a valuable boost to our workforce, rather than ‘steal someone’s job.’

In preparation for his move, his family has already begun practicing some Canadian traditions. Pictured is his wife and son enjoying Thermos culture, celebrating the Thermal Equinox holiday,

In fact, Mr. El Von DerBlork has been able to excite his whole neighbourhood about the prospects of living in our great white homeland. He is the founder of a hockey league for his neighbourhood, and coaches the team of his nephew, shown here getting ready to take the ice after finally receiving their first batch of Canadian pucks.

With all due to respect to the handsome writers of the Proverbial Pie, the paper is mistaken to publish such unqualified, fear-mongering reports. Penguins are a peaceful race, and only wish the same rights granted to people of other descents. We sincerely hope that your publication will refrain from anti-Penguin rants in the future, and that one day, all our children, white, black, or penguinned, may communally play hockey together in Canada. Only then will we be able to unite against the real enemy, the Gingers, and together drink from the Great Thermos.

Respectfully Yours,
Jim Harliner
National Society for the Fair Treatment of Penguinned Migrants

An Emperor's March

We'd like to bring attention to discourse some people might appreciate, and others might find offensive. The truth is, most people might even take the time to stop watching old Chuck Norris clips and double-jointed adolescents on YouTube to write us a letter. We encourage any kind of angry-letter writing as long as you double-space. You understand our concern that we do not want to offend our respected viewers without first warning you of our commitment to unpopular, obscure topics of public discussion.

So, having said that, we'd like to reccommend to the Department Homeland Security that the terror alert be raised to 'sunset orange' (HIGH RISK) because of fear of invasion from Emperor Penguins.

It's been brought to our attention here at the Proverbial Pie, via inbound, confidential contacts, that the March of the Penguins has begun. After watching ***** ** *** ******** (name removed to avoid widespread panic), our Antarctic contact let us know that the march of the Emperor penguins will invade Southern United States via Mexico this season, and will push on further North into Canada by mid-January.

The argument to build that long wall at the US-Mexico border in Congress is more pertinent than ever.

Strategies of the emperor penguin, our intelligence tells us, resemble the war machine of Nazi Germany c. 1939. Even their uniforms look somewhat similar.

We hope to provide everyone fair warning. How to recognize a penguin attack:
Large masses of black waddlers moving at no more than 3 km/h. Tactics include lemming-esque, belly-sliding on ice into buildings, beak-pecking, and crotch-biting. Individually, penguins prefer to lure victims onto thin ice, and with a swift stroke of a fin/wing, knocking them to their death through the ice. The penguins are incredibly ironic, and enjoy taking pictures beside their hooded victims with a thumbs up and sarcastic grin.

Example of Penguin Military Testing:

Update:The Emperor Penguins are now adopting Kamikazi tactics:

The penguins will also have covert-ops and will be hard to recognize. As a species, they've gone to the trouble of adapting to modern society. (Re: gay penguins.) They look to gain sympathy by blogging on a regular basis, disguised under the alias of an African-American woman.

Thanks for listening and please help us spread awareness about this impending war and March of the Penguin militia.

If you see these penguins who happen to
be Emperor Militia Generals, please contact us:

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Public Service Announcement.

Scheduled service outages / downtimes for The Proverbial Pie occured over the past couple of weeks, and will occur sporadically and unpredictably in the future at times TBA. Please stand by.

Gracias to strong supporters who flooded our lines with calls regarding Thermos culture. The money was wired to Icelandic and Polish governments last Wednesday, but was lost and dispersed into cyberspace when my laptop lost its wireless connection provided for free at Rondale's. Personal compensation included 1 cup of complimentary coffee and wafer.

Complimentary apologetic thermoses from Mountain Equipment Co-op to be sent to all who called in. Wholesale of actors portraying greek gods in strategically-placed ivy leaves no longer available due to popular demand - but, we offer those disappointed with the following compensation:

Thursday, November 02, 2006


Today we will be receiving donations (via credit, money order or dovetail homing pigeon) for Thermos culture. Communication lines will be open from early Thursday to late Friday. No money transfers over weekend due to tennis tournament and a light brunch at Rondale's, Sunday @ 10:30.

Donations going towards the empowerment of the thermese, a people of staggering die-hardedness, who've recently been signed to CITES, legislation for endangered species. The race of the Thermos stem from a grand history from Greek mythology, most notably symbolized by the son of the Greek god, Theramos - god of scalded tongues and family camping trips.

Most descendents of Thermos culture live now live in Iceland and Poland. Culture is separated into class systems, all of which are suffering from the same development setbacks. The youth of the Thermos, the Therminese, are the most highly regarded in the culture. Today, these young ones take form in highly-intelligent beings lip-synching popular Western song hits under duress. This is a glimpse into their art, a form of self expression. This is their plea to you. Donate here.

Please call into our aforementioned hotline with any questions or comments. A banquet will be held on November 14th at Rondale's. Inductions to the Thermos WorldAid Centre - TBA. A seminar for those curious or believed descendents who wish to do good will occur the following week.

Each donation given will receive one of two of the following gifts:

Monday, October 30, 2006

Mazel tov!

"Hello nation."

After years of sharing my wisdom, protesting, and educating peasants to the fallacies of Ontario sport, it's about time someone took the OHL down a peg.

Kudos to Mr. Stephen Colbert.

Now, I know all about Ontario's track record. I was born in South-western Ontario to adoring parents, and was reared in a first-rate education system, receiving only the best. Apart from not having blonde hair and large feet, I was relatively perfect. In high school I went on to star on the varsity hockey team, where I was a sniper (for those unfamiliar with hockey language, I was one with extremely high rates of shots on goal). It was at the arena to where everyone flocked and cultivated their adoration for we one-toothed, hat-tricking, ice-skating Gods. Life was a continuous Hollywood moment in slow-motion.

But, for me, it all came crashing down. It was a disastrous year when I lost a testicle due to complications with 'consumption'. Consequently, I missed out on the OHL draft and my dreams were crushed. Though now, with the consumption gone, I can safely say I'm in no way embittered by my loss of OHL contract, illustrious future, and the one testicle (Props to you Dr. Heinboltz!).

But gone are those days, and gone are the days when Ontario perfected the tradition of provincial hockey.

My contention with the OHL is not one held by many. It's unpopular in Ontario, and especially to my co-blogger, Goodman. I don't expect you to agree with me. It's no longer a personal issue. It's not now a provincial debate. It's everywhere. I plan to grab the proverbial megaphone and stand in front of the proverbial tank in the proverbial Tiananmen square. I mean, not only is the coach of the Belleville Bulls' the team's owner, but is also a general physician at the local hospital, leader of the municipal Liberal party, and proud owner of 7 brand new stretched white tiger carpets from Nepal (re: highly classy)

Regardless, my anti-OHL beliefs are manifesting in the form of Comedy Central programming.

A few weeks prior to the above broadcast, Colbert ran a report on the Saginaw Spirit, a Michigan hockey team (and member of the OHL) that recently revealed its new mascot, "Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle".

Now, you must be thinking: "David, why are you supporting Colbert when he supports a team in the OHL?"

Good question, public. You must recognize that this is an American team whom he supports. What makes it American? Well, besides its city affiliation, it's owned by a wealthy Shrimp Farming conglomerate, can afford the hottest of cheerleaders, and hair transplants for the coaches. That's the way a true hockey team should be run. Colbert supports this team for his own reasons, but he rightfully finds reason to diss teams native to Ontario.

Sorry, Ontario puck bunnies, a certain conservative conservationist has unmercifully brought down his broadsword of truthiness upon you. In future, there may one day be no more need for you bunnies, because as long as Mr. Colbert's in town, there ain't no puckin' around.

As I've said for years, its time for change. A brief letter to the premier:

Dear Mr. Dalton McGinty, cut Ontario's losses and put the OHL out of its misery. Listen to Stephen Colbert. I'm not speaking as a fan of this pop culture icon in fake news, I'm speaking on behalf of a small minority lobbying for change. The ridiculousness of OHL hockey is correctly defined by Colbert's discourse. His audience's reaction is overwhelmingly supportive! Go to YouTube and see it yourself.
Anyway, thanks for listening and I hope things are good. We'll speak again soon.

Dave. xox.

...Like Yanni, sans the street cred.

Little known to the public, one of John Candy's more famously unsaid lines from 'Canadian Bacon' was "...Hope you brought your appetite". But of course, the irony of such a man saying such a thing forced the editor, under the guiding hand of gigantron Michael Moore, to drop it from the final cut of the movie. Obviously, if left included in the theatrical version, the line woud no doubt boost Canadian Bacon's rating from 5.5 at 4,915 votes to well over 9.0 after 4,916 votes.

This unknown gem of a monologue felt appropriate to fit the 'description' field of the blogger sign up form for this 'blog'. So did using a lot of quotation marks around words of ambiguous meaning. But, after Goodman found some check-and-balance wisdom in that lovely black beard of his, I think we're scrapping that idea. Sorry John Candy.

At the time, we'd gone through several pints at the very minimum before deciding - and there was no changing this - that our blog name would inevitably include the the suffix 'metrics' at the end of a word. But, to add some kind of novelty to the thing, 'cs' would be cleverly replaced with an 'x'. As the kids would do.

It was all going to be so ironic. 'Gargantuan Blog' even seemed disgustingly humourous, as we're both under 5'9.

But, after listening to plenty of Yanni and admiring my 7 and a half foot cutout of Bruce Campbell, something more mundane and mature was decided upon. Most things, like the idea of Goodman and myself publicly sharing whatever compelling arguments, or valid standpoints we might discuss, will be gloriously unprovoked, offensive, and poetically true.

Take everything for granted and be the better man for it.

Have at 'er.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

A First Entry

I am typing out my first blog entry in the history of blogdom. This will only be a test, and not the least bit interesting or funny, as I could not possibly be either under such pressure constraints. Luckily, this post will be edited before more than a select few are able to view it. Since those few are already aware of my awesomeness, I do not have to worry that the lack of it present in this post will cause any severe damage.

Testing HTML,
Santa Claus Goodman

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Fortified in CFA greatness, his degrees from Guelph University qualify him as a licensed grammarion, savourmetricist, probabilist, and professional tap dancer. [More...]

Strategist, publicist and dead-panner; Lifetime member to the church of sarcasm, claiming a righteous, divine connection to the Aboriginal guy from 'Free Willy'. [More...]

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